First, a little housekeeping: Launching on a new platform during Mercury retrograde was far from ideal, but my newsletter has found a new home at Beehiiv! A big thanks to Amy Odell for inspiring the move and connecting me with their wonderful team. This migration has been a labor of love over the past few weeks, and I'm excited for what's ahead — and for how much smoother the experience will be going forward.
One important note: if you were previously a paid subscriber, your subscription did not automatically transfer over. I sent an email last week with instructions on how to sign up so you can continue accessing paywalled content and the bonus newsletter at the end of the month. I appreciate your patience during this transition— and if you run into any issues, don't hesitate to reach out at [email protected].
In January, when I was wrapping up with my former therapist, I told her that my thirties felt like my “research” era.
Since 2016, just several months into my Saturn return, I unknowingly embarked on what would become a decade-long mission to truly know myself. I got serious about therapy—seeking out therapists who were genuinely equipped to help me unpack attachment issues and trauma (if I have one regret, it would be waiting too long to get a trauma-informed therapist). I read anything that brought me closer to understanding my own mind. I spent a lot of time alone. I meditated. I journaled every uncomfortable thought and feeling. I sought out mystics and healers. I studied astrology. I left a job I loved and became an entrepreneur. I moved to London. Slowly, I learned to trust myself in ways I never had.
And the work paid off.
That’s so hard to see when you’re in the thick of it, though. It can feel like there is no end in sight—it's heavy and lonely—and no one will ever truly understand what you’re going through or the work you put in. Another uncomfortable truth is that sometimes it gets harder before it gets better. I could feel small moments of progress along the way, sporadic breakthroughs, but the saying healing is not linear is very true. I was still crashing out and having meltdowns at times when I felt I should've known better. A therapist I had up until 2021 would always say, “You did the best with the information you had.”
It’s only in the last year or two that the lessons have really settled in my body—that I am able to choose better, and I’m no longer succumbing to my subconscious programming. The self-limiting beliefs, emotional neglect, dysfunctional patterns from my family, and abandonment wounds don’t have the same chokehold over me, although I’m aware of where those things still live in my body. The work isn’t done—it never really is. But in this moment, I am at peace with the woman I have become, and there is so much power in that. I know she will continue to evolve, and I’ll always be curious about my inner world.
What I have found after this last decade is acceptance, emotional regulation, and the ability to surrender.
I’ve made peace with my insecurities, and so much of that I owe to this newsletter community—to all of you who have made me feel less alone in my experiences. There was a time, even as recent as 2021, when a question like, “How long was your longest relationship?” would send me into a quiet panic. Nothing made me feel more ashamed. For people to know I hadn't been in a long-term relationship well into my thirties meant they would immediately know I wasn't worthy of being "chosen."
I feel safe within my body. Learning how to self-regulate has been the ultimate unlock. It has made me feel powerful, especially considering I am highly sensitive and in the past was easily overwhelmed by my feelings. I don’t get flooded by emotions as often, but when I do, I know how to navigate them. I can let them wash over me without them completely carrying me out to sea. I have no doubt that I can give myself what I need and take care of the parts of me that are still tender.
And I fully trust that I don't know everything this life has in store for me — so as much as I can call the shots, sometimes things will just unfold the way they're meant to. I've had countless examples of this in my own life. So I will continue to surrender and trust in divine timing.
40 feels like the start of my “being” era. I will take everything I’ve learned and the wisdom I’ve cultivated and just enjoy the woman I’ve grown into.
I often think about how no woman in my lineage has ever been as free as I am right now—I don't take that lightly. I get to be soft and sensitive in ways they simply couldn't afford to be. It is a luxury and a privilege to have spent thousands of dollars on therapy, to have had the grace of being able to examine my own life so closely. And I believe that those women are really proud of me for being brave enough to face the things that once made me, and my whole world, feel so small.
One thing I’ve never been more sure of in my life: we’re all here to receive the lessons that are necessary for the evolution of our souls.
We’re here to love, to learn, and to evolve—and it was never meant to be easy all the time. But the real story isn't the struggle itself. It's what those challenging moments reveal about you and how they help mold you into exactly who you were meant to become.
I asked 14 women I admire for advice about the 4th decade of life
Sai de Silva, content creator and Real Housewife of New York
I honestly love being 40, aside from the few grey hairs I have accumulated. Turning 40 is not a crisis like I once thought— it’s more of a promotion. You stop auditioning for rooms you’ve already outgrown. You stop explaining yourself to people who benefit from you playing small. You finally understand that peace is more valuable than being liked. I honestly think 40 is when you actually start enjoying the life you worked so hard to create. You’re wiser, sharper, more intuitive, and way less impressed by people's bullshit. I find myself more confident because I stopped caring what people think, and that in itself is freeing.
Suzy Welch, author and NYU Stern School of Business professor
My friend, please understand that 40 is the starting gate. It's the beginning. It is Day One of the best, most productive, most intense, most everything phase of your life. All the smush up until now, even the successes, have been the practice, the rehearsal, the UTTER SHITSHOW OF LEARNING, to prepare you for what you are about to unleash. You are about to be born as the woman you were meant to be, wise and ready.
Veronica Webb, supermodel
By now, you’ve had success, you’ve had humiliation, and you know roughly who you are. But in your 40s, this is the decade where discipline stops being aesthetic and becomes strategic. Protect your health, protect your financial stability. Protect your time. If you drift in your 40s, you pay for it in your 50s. Forty isn't about proving—it’s about continuing to build a life that can hold you.
Gabrielle Union-Wade, actress and producer
Be accountable. Tell the truth and shame the devil. Own your shit. Get familiar with giving real apologies that address harm caused. Your intent never outweighs the harm experienced. Once you own your shit, you are unstoppable, and ain’t shit nobody can say or hold over you. Center your peace in all that you do. Remember, peace isn’t the absence of chaos, it’s maintaining your peace in the midst of fuckery. Anything or anyone that disrupts your peace… Fuck right off! Lastly, make sure YOU are your own best friend. You should really like spending time with yourself.
Jen Atkin, hairstylist/founder of Ouai
Turning 40 is less about reinvention and more about refinement. It’s the year you stop performing and start owning—your taste, your boundaries, your ambition, your softness. You realize time is the real luxury, so you spend it better: on the right people, the right work, the right mornings. You stop chasing rooms you’ve outgrown and start building tables you actually want to sit at. Take care of your body like it’s your longest partnership, protect your peace like it’s your most valuable asset, and don’t wait for permission to evolve. Forty isnt a crisis—it’s clarity.
Melissa Magsaysay, writer
My 40s (so far) have been about both settling into myself and, at the same time, being cracked wide open to evolve into someone I never thought I could or would be, for the better. Focus on the parts of you that are non-negotiable and give way and have grace for the parts that are best left behind, that no longer serve you; all of this becomes so much clearer during this decade. Embrace change, don't apologize for who you are (right now, or ever), your instinct is the loudest and most accurate it's ever been—listen to it closely and don't second-guess yourself. Being type A/productive is not always a flex, and slowing down is not giving up, it's letting that settling really sink in and add to the strength of who you are and will continue to become.
Karla Welch, stylist
You’re entering a decade of an incredible power source—no one talks about it, possibly because of the infatuation of youth— but the “knowing” that comes to a woman in their 40th decade is incredible. I feel like you know how deeply we are the source on earth, and it translates to everything. I’m so excited for you!
Danielle Beinstein, astrologer
Halfway through my 40s now. There’s nostalgia, yes, but still a sense of possibility. The doors remain open, but the knowing softens and strengthens. There’s more discernment. Priorities clarify. There’s less bullshit, less noise, less tolerance, in some ways, yet also more acceptance. The thing, always, to remember is that it’s your journey. You get to make of it what you want, get to draw meaning where and how you want. There’s no formula, the shoulds dissolve into something richer and more uniquely personal. There’s more life to draw on and from—40 years! —and yet so much more still ahead. It’s a gift. And aging, it really is a privilege. I hope, more than anything, that you’re able to embrace it, all of it, and let it all in. Really let it in.
Neelou Malekpour, breathwork practitioner
Turning 40 can bring up a lot. Reflection, gratitude, questions about what’s ahead. Life is truly a mind game, and perspective shapes the whole decade. If you want to focus on what you don't have and what's not perfect, there will always be something waiting to make you feel bad. And if you want to focus on all of the beauty, the magic, the inspiration, the love, and everything else that exists in our very enchanted lives, there will always be something there to make you feel good. Perspective is really everything. It's the difference between mediocrity and expansive joy.
Vanessa Cornell, writer and group facilitator
Howard Thurman’s quote could be the mantra of my life: "Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
So many of us have been so disconnected from what we love, enjoy, and want in favor of what we SHOULD do, what the world tells us it values. We have been taught to believe that if we do all those things, if we slog through the drudgery of productivity and achievement, that the reward at the end would be joy. But I had done those things, and the joy hadn’t come. I finally realized that joy was a GUIDEPOST, not a reward. The key to knowing who I was and what made me come alive was to acknowledge and honor that joy. Now I bring women together for deep connection, share my love of surfing and stitching, not because someone told me it was important, but because it makes me want to jump out of bed in the morning. In my 40’s, my life finally feels fulfilled AND alive. I wish that for every woman.
Vienna Pharaon, family and marriage therapist
I’ve always loved getting older. I really see it as a practice of embracing the wisdom and the gifts that present themselves along the ride. But when I turned 40, there was something that actually stood out — a different experience than any other birthday before it. I had an acute awareness of crossing over the middle of my life. Wow…I’m halfway there, I remember thinking. Of course, none of us have any idea how much time we’ll be granted here, but assuming the average reminded me of some important truths:
Let go of trying to change the things and people who won’t/can’t change — you’re either going to spend your time suffering, or you’ll spend time accepting what is and deciding where to go from there. Prioritize the people and moments that actually matter— say yes, put the phone down, connect deeply, live.
Stop trying to change things about yourself (I’m not talking growth and evolution). Let yourself like yourself. Own what you care about. Go after what’s important. Stop battling yourself — it’s tiring, and nothing good comes of it.
We’ve all heard this quote before, but Mary Oliver really got it right:
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
It is precious. And it moves fast. And we’re halfway there, if we’re lucky. So go and live and do the things and reach for the stars and honor what lights you up, and don’t be afraid to prioritize what it is you want for yourself.
Jennifer Fisher, Jewelry designer
40s is the freedom and building era in my opinion. It’s the 10 years you have before turning 50 (the truly IDGAF era) that you really can gain momentum doing what you truly love without the insecurities you had in your 30s. You’ve experienced more and have many failures and wins under your belt. It gives you the faith in yourself to trust your instincts, knowing that whatever happens, you will survive. I loved my 40s, I took the most risks in that era, making me who I am today.
Kerry Pieri, fashion editor
I think that entering your 40s is all about the perfect balance of bringing so much wisdom and life experience into a new decade while still maintaining all of your hotness. I mean hotness in a broad sense, the way you look, yes, but also the fire, ambition, and desire to accept new knowledge and growth that so many women inherently embody. The world deeply attempts to make women doubt themselves, and it is our task to defy the noise!
Sophia Amoruso, entrepreneur
40 isn’t the new 30—because when we were 30, we thought we were about to expire. Forty is proof that we didn’t. We blew past that deadline, and we’re still here—hot, smart, and finally unbothered.
Our 20s gave us freedom we didn’t know what to do with. Freedom at 40 is earned. And Chrissy, you’ve earned it.
Our 30s are spent learning terms like “nasolabial fold.” Our 40s are when we realize we’re hotter than we’ve ever been. And Chrissy, you’re hot.
40 isn’t the new 30. It’s the year we stop measuring our lvies against the ones we thought we were supposed to have, and realize our are better. And Chrissy, we can’t wait to watch.
Sade Lythcott, CEO of the National Black Theater
Forty is not a destination. It feels more like a portal. A threshold moment when a woman begins to understand the power that lives at the center of herself. The power that comes from the quiet inheritance of our mothers and grandmothers that lives in our bones. Care. Intuition. Devotion. These are not fragile things. They are ancient technologies our grandmothers carried long before the world learned their names. Let that become your superpower. Your quiet secret weapon.
As the world grows louder and the demands on us more intense, learn to guard your peace like it is sacred ground. Not every invitation deserves your presence. Not every opinion deserves your attention. What you protect becomes the soil where your life grows.
In earlier decades we are rewarded for our yes. But the fourth decade, and the ones that follow, ask something different of us. They ask us to understand and wield the power of our no.
That too is its own doorway.
And often it leads to the richest rewards.
